Wanndering – on foot and in spirit

We insanely teased Monica when she said this years ago in Bangalore. This was her response to my question ‘Why dont you learn Kannada (local language in Bangalore)?’ . I was genuinely amused at her statement and classified it as ‘angrez’ snob statement.

We all grow up, dont we? After so many years, her statement doesnt amuse me any more but infact seems like a prophesy to me. I took up a job in Pune (Maharashtra State) where they speak Marathi and by the virtue of the same job moved to Taipei. I stayed more time in Pune than in Taipei but know more Chinese than Marathi. I enrolled for Chinese course and worked hard at it. I can read basic Chinese but I hardly understand a word in Marathi – the language of my neighbouring province because I didnt put any effort to learn it.

After years Monica’s (apparently) silly statement looks so profound today! India is a land of many langauges and you will live all your life not understanding what your neighbours speak. With such accelerated movement people across the state (province) borders due to the booming economy and with English & Hindi emerging as the lingua franca, there is little motivation to learn the language of the local province. I can manage with hindi in Pune, you can speak to the vegetable sellers in English in Bangalore. Given a choice if I move to Madras (they speak Tamil) I would rather learn Spanish for my career advancement than learn Tamil. What is one’s motivation to learn the local language?

While that is a good news for a virbrant economy because it eases movement of people from place to place it spells a doom to the local languages. I realise that only the Kannadigas (ethnic Karnataka people) would learn Kannada and NO ONE else would ever learn it. What is one’s motivation to learn the language. A neighbouring Tamilian would rather learn French – language of the land thousands of miles away than Kannada which is the neighbouring tongue. I dont blame him, this is purely market-driven.

People ask me in Taipei, ‘When did you learn English?’. Some are surprised when they find out that I learnt English right from my kinder garten. I have learnt all those ‘Baa Baa black sheep…’ like the American kids (native English speakers) learn. So much so, I ‘think’ in English, conduct business in English, speak with my friends in hindi and to my parents in Kannada. I use my mother tongue only for less than 5% of my communication!!!

So my conjecture is, if ONLY kannadigas learn Kannada and only 5% of the time they use their language and thanks to the ‘Monica syndrome’, are we all gonna lose our languages? This is a question that many Indian languages would have no answers. Kannada movies are giving way to Bollywood and subsequently Holly wood. How do we save our languages without compromising on the globalisation (English) and our national identity ( Hindi).?

Your guess is as good as mine!!
P.S. Irony is not lost on the fact that I can superflously talk about ’saving my language’ in English than in my OWN language.

This is the sequel to “When was the last time you had a GF?“. Many of these recent blogs have been my thoughts on Indian culture, which till now was ‘aisa hi hain’ (obvious), but thanks to the questions from inquisitive chinese and by myself seeing the (Taiwan) society, I wonder ‘Aisa kyon hain?’ (Why is it like this?)

When Frankie (yes, this is a real person and her own question) asked me ‘How did your parents meet?’, I didnt react strangely this time. I was now getting used the questions which was depicting the cultural gap. My parents met through ‘baap bharose’ – Arranged Marriage. Not long ago everything was in black and white – ‘Arranged Marriage’, the right thing; ‘Love Marriage’, the wrong thing stereotypically associated with elopement thanks to the genre of ‘Qayamat se Qayamat tak’. While black and white are slowly blurring into shades of gray

There are ‘Love come Arranged’ marriage where the guy chooses girl (I am not a sexist but just for convenience, I will let the guy take the lead role) and then they go to their parents to seek their approval. This is getting pretty common atleast in the software industry. People are more open for Bihari-Haryanvi, Punjabi-Kannada kind of marriages.

Then there are ‘Arranged Courtships’ literally like parents pick up a girl and you can go out with her before you agree to say ‘I do’. Cool! its like parents started their own dating service. Not too common, but I know some societies in which this has been acceptable. The potential coupling is usually among friends’ children, generally urbane, suave. There are certainly some limits in this dating service, but it is still better than how they chose brides earlier.

Then there are matrimonial website, which one of my chinese friends said, ‘Cool, like it is like xyz’ (quoting a dating site). In principle, yes it is but it is a serious ‘dating’, where your profiles are usually written by the parent or the groom’s sibling; where, you cant post pictures from your friends bachelor party like you do on myspace, but rather a studio-shot photo with 3-piece suit; where, families get involved in ‘dating’; where, you rather put your annual income instead of ‘turn-ons’; where this is a ‘life’ committment, than a summer plan. Okay! an Indian ‘dating’.

(If you didnt know,www.shaadi.com, is one of the most successful Indian dotcoms)

The shades of gray are emerging, and hopefully there would not be any white and black, just shades of gray.

The only good (?) thing about this system is you may fail but your ‘baap’ never does!

I was looking through my blog stats and realised that someone had come to my blog by searching the words “marriage girl questions india”. I figure out that this would be a query searched by a wannabe husband getting into the modern day equivalent of swayamvar. I have not go answer to the question ‘What do you ask a girl?’ during the formal ‘arranged marriage’ matrimonial talks. Now that almost half my friends have exchanged vows, there are too many ‘experts’ to answer this question but none have answered it to my satisfaction. I had a chance to ask it once and I think I failed miserably on that.

‘I met her once and found her she was the one’ said Sri who was supposed to decide on this prospective match while his parents were strolling on one side of Lalbagh and he (and her) on the other side faraway from the earshot. While some of you may tell me ‘Ajay, isnt it not like love at first sight, why are you so critical?’ . I cannot digest the fact, that after rounds of kundali screening, 2 rounds of background check and then 1 hour of meeting, you will fall in love with her in the first sight and say ‘Yes’.

I wouldnt decide my job (which I can quit when i want) just after the first interview, I dont know how am gonna take this ‘interview’ . I think many of us, like Sri (and may be me), would resign to the fact that their aint many options so better ‘fall in love’ during the ‘interview’. It is a compromise Indian males (not to mention females) arrive at. The fact things have come a long way from how my parents ‘interview’ went – their saying yes was just cursory; to how it is today – a certain period of courtship, is definitely an improvement in the baap bharaose culture of marriage.

‘I you cant beat them join them’ , so all those of my friends who were rebels by their own standards during college and didnt now understand ‘arranged marriage’, now have joined up the league of my elders, ‘You will not know until you try it (selecting the girl in the formal setup)’. I dont believe these turncoats (as yet)

I just stopped chewing the food and then sat frozen for a second when my friend Frankie asked me. Not that I didnt understand the question but it was so out of place for an Indian where most relationship are ‘baap baraouse’ , where there is no healthy dating culture; where moving out with a girl often would be treated as ‘love’ and the people around them start hearing the wedding bells ringing; where, an affair (sic) not working out maligns(sic) the character (sic,sic) of the girl and to a lesser degree the girl. I may hear a boo or two from you guys – I just realised the people priveleged to have internet access to read a blog like this are the most ‘elite’ and from broad-minded families. I am taking a 8,000 km above (rather ‘away’) view from Taipei and I urge you to look around you. I am sure you will see a lot of it around you.

Coming back to Frankie’s questions, seeing my reaction she asked me ‘Did I say something wrong?’ . I said ‘No, No! but never ask this question to an Indian again’. My reasoning is, lack of dating culture, would leave you very less space to hit-and-miss, even worse you may never get a chance to hit (pun intended). There are zillions of FOSLA clubs strewn around, there must have been enough misses in your life to understand what I am saying. When you like someone, before the heart can skip the beat, the brain start ticking,’Will she fit’, ‘will it work out’, ‘what if’. Its just the second date for chrrisake. So, assume you are the lucky one to have found the ‘one’, if it doesnt work out for whatever reason chances are you wouldnt try again. (I hear no more boos!) Its true, mostly true, then you decide to go the ‘baap baraose’ way. There is not ‘Try, Try and Try till you succeed’, its only ‘Try (if you have liberal parents) and then go to Dad if you fail’. Indian guys, dont tread beyond the ‘failure’ , they have to be led!

So, It would have been more appropriate for Frankie if she had just ended with my ‘No’ for her question ‘Do you have a girl friend?’

Last week, I was on my way to Bangkok and met this gorgeous Korean girl who after couple of minutes into our conversation brought out the question that was nagging her about Indians committment to relationship. Although she put a third person angle to it, I figured out she had a boy-friend from Bangalore who never proposed her for years. Donning the counsellor role, which I am good at, as the boeing sped over the South-China sea, I explained to her, unlike the westerners,Indian guys are afraid of ‘making a committment’ and not about ‘keeping a committment’. He is not worried so much (in comparison to the firang) that his life is gonna change and his freedom curtailed, but as his thoughts inch towards making a committment to someone from different culture/religion, villians start appearing in his head – those benign uncles who cracked dirty jokes, his loving grandparents, his always-supportive parents suddenly pop up with maces in their hands and two horns on their heads.

While Sriram (her BF) may have been been a womanising ***h*** for all you know, I personally have known lot of non-Srirams who have been a genuine victims of our ‘rich culture’.

After the dinner, Jasmine drifted into sleep giving in to the tiresome journey from Seoul – Taiwan – Bangkok, she took my sleep away. What I had always accepted as ‘aisa hi hain’, seemed a lot ludicrous now! I think I (proxy for my generation) am in just at the wrong time facing the some dilemma as the proverbial ABCDs – while the external world says something, the inner baggage of culture advises me otherwise.

I think our next generation would do just well, when Indian culture like the economy would open up and evovle. Only we are caught in the changing times, our parents were lucky with ‘The Hindu’ and Doordarshan feeding the the ‘world’s perspective’ they had fewer questions, our generations would also be okay born to the parents who have fed enough from Star, MTV culture. But, my generation with parent from Doordarshan and we from MTV – think like MTV but act like Doordarshan.

While I struggle with my rudimentary Chinese during the dinner, I got the suggestion the thousandth,’The best way to learn Chinese is to get a Taiwanese girl-friend’. I just smiled. When I come back to India after 2 months, if my Chinese is still bad, you’ll know why!

Sequel>> Baap Bharose